Tuesday, March 22, 2011

I am the star whisperer (celebrity-wise, not astrologically)

<-- This is my coaster at work. Ain't it true?!

I've had some stuff on my mind lately and it's lead me to reinvigorate my blogging efforts, which have been pretty pathetic these past few months. Apologies to whomever you are... (is that a cavernous echo?)

First, there's something twisted about the fact that my mind immediately goes to dark and creepy places with the most mundane shit. I was recently running (okay, power walking) in the park and a recreational worker drove by in a converted golf cart, and then stopped at a wooden storage unit to load up on tools and equipment for the day. Just like when someone holds up those cards with giant stains and blots on them and asks you what's the first thing that comes to mind (I just googled it and they're called Rorschach cards), my immediate thought was, "that's a great place to store a dead body." I know, it's twisted and freakish. Now I'm worried that if my brain were tested for the serial killer trait I would test positive. But upon further thought I realize that the concept of storing a dead body in the wooden storage unit is flawed and would surely put me in big house. What's worse-the initial thought or the analyzing? One, it's a locked unit so unless I picked the lock or broke it somehow I wouldn't be able to get in. Two, it's wood. So if the D.B. (that's what the call it on CSI) were bloody it might seep out and someone might see it and call the po po. Three, the park workers probably go in the storage unit every day or every few days, so they'd likely find it before it even started to smell. Which leads me to point four - it's a high traffic area and would eventually smell. Unless I hid the D.B. in Winter when it was cold and there was less park workers and general patrons of the park around. Which might buy me a bit more time. However, if I were super stealth with DNA and other forensic shit it might not matter if the find it, but every criminal knows it's easier to walk free of a murder rap without a body! Either way you can see why I'm disturbed by my own mind. Scary shit, yo. Note to self: I'm watching waaaaayy too much crime television...

On a final note, I've seen three celebs in as many days. I saw Alec Baldwin on Sunday, riding his bike through Broadway traffic WITHOUT A HELMUT!, Kevin Bacon this morning in Central Park walking his two dogs, and Donald Sutherland this afternoon cruising through SoHo looking like a giant q-tip with his bleachy white hair. When will my streak end?? Stay tuned to find out.

PS - I'm totally expecting the NYPD to come to my door tonight and either a) arrest me for premeditated murder (even though I have yet to identify a target) or b) ask me to consult for them since my mind works like that of a criminal.


  1. I'm right there with you. I've always tested positive for the mind of the serial killer in all those email chains.....

  2. I think shit like that all the time. When 24 was on, and Jack did one of his killer tortures, I would always think, DUDE! I have to remember that one!!
    Because, you know, us midwesterners are always finding ourselves in a situation that calls for torture.............

  3. Next time you should be extra creepy and take their picture :D

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