Monday, August 31, 2009

These toes weren't made for walkin'...

Apparently, my toes are freakish. Remember that pic of my branch-like 2nd/3rd toes? Well, my coworkers are now referring to it as the "chicken-toe". Fun times.

Here's another toe-related ha-ha (at my expense... as usual) for you:

The ladies buy a lot of shoes and clothes in my office, from sites like Gilt.com, ruelala.com, hautelook.com, and have them shipped to the office so all the ladies can ooh and ahh over them. It's also convenient because if something doesn't fit, you can be sure that it'll fit someone else, so we end up just buying stuff form each other. One of the girls ordered a ridiculously hot pair of Rock & Republic pumps that were just a bit too small for her. Fortunately for me, they were just my size. Sah-weet! A fab pair of new shoes and it's like they just appeared! Whilst I pranced around my office in the 7" heels, something didn't quite feel right. I looked down and the pinky toe on my left foot had popped out of side of the shoe, darting out at a freakish angle. I pulled it back in, starting to walk again, and... Oops! there is goes again. The more I walked, the more it kept popping out. And the more it popped out, the more I realized that it looked like a deformed appendage. I realized very quickly, as the smile was falling off my face, that I could in no way wear these shoes with a toe "issue" such as this --- the second someone looked down at my feet they would notice the ridiculously not shoes, in all of their glorious yellow and snakeskin leather, and then I'd see the recognition in their face as they wondered what the hell happened down there... While all of this was spinning through my head, I continued to watch as my coworkers cringed in horror at the pinky toe with a mind of its own (apparently one that doesn't like designer shoes at discount prices).

It goes without saying, that I DID NOT buy the shoes off of my coworker. She will be sending them back. What a sad, sad story.

Well, here it is...




And a bit closer....



And the zoom shot of my little piggy who went to the crazy-toe market and didn't like the shoes... what a jerk.


Go ahead, laugh. Why else would I share this with you...???

PS - Shoe me some designer love...

...if you are interested in any of the sites I shop at, please use these invite links as it'll give me a referral bonus. Love ya, biatches!

Gilt Group
Rue La La

Haute Look

Thursday, August 27, 2009

Burrito dreams and carbhydrate rainbows

I'm so hungry. I think today is my crash day on this "raw cleanse" death by starvation detox that I chosen to do. I'm having a hard time remembering why I decided to do it in the first place right now.

All of my a-hole coworkers decided it was burrito-cart day and brought back giant burritos with "crack sauce" (that's really what it is called), and it smells so good in here I want to eat the air right now. Douchebags.

On a random note, have you ever wondered why that horrible Britney Spears movie, Crossroads, is always on tv on some channel that you've never heard of? Every single time I channel surf I inevitably stumble across it. If you haven't seen it, it's almost worth it just to sit there the whole time and grimace at her ineptitude for acting.

Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Aren't we all a bit of a masochist?


The visit with Mother and Aunt went well. Sad to see them go home (if only for the reason that it means I had to go back to work again).

Today is not only Tuesday, it is the second day of my 5-day "raw cleanse". For 5 entire days I'm eating nothing but uncooked fruits, veggies and a few nuts. Sounds crazy. Hence, the title of this post. I am doing it for two reasons: 1) the obvious, weight loss, and 2) because I've just felt "off" lately–like I'm saturated with the crap that I put into my body, like alcohol, sugar, vats of mac'n'cheese, mashed potatoes, bread.... GOOOOOOOD, I'm getting hungry writing that.

So I am guaranteed to be crabby and bitchy all week. My poor friends and family. At least I've forewarned them.

On a happier note, I saw the infamous He-Man this weekend while in a cab driving down 9th Avenue, at about 46th Street. It was my first sighting of the superhuman man who walks around shirtless and beefy. It was a very exciting moment for me.

Ok. I'm going to go eat an apple. :-(

Friday, August 21, 2009

Possible TMI situation

I've been trying to cut back on "personal grooming" expenses the past few months, and I'm having a hard time deciding which ones are truly necessary and which ones are frivolous.

For example, pedicures in the Summer are necessary. In the Winter, they are not. Eyebrow waxing is necessary because otherwise I'd have a unibrow (What can I say? They're thick. Some women would DIE for thick eyebrows, or so I'd like to believe.). Massages are a luxury. But the one that I'm really struggling with is waxing *down there*. You know, clearing the runway, etc.

Years ago I got into bikini waxing because it's smoother, lasts longer, I hate shaving, and I truly believe the myth that it grows in thicker when you shave versus wax. Also, it's more "visually appealing" for men (duh). However. Ugh. Here comes the TMI.

TMI #1: I prefer brazilian waxes. Which means everything. Including your um..... butt strip.

TMI #2: I was trying to save some cash this Summer and shaved recently because it was like macheting your way through the jungles of Borneo I couldn't wait any longer and didn't want to spend the $100 to get waxed. Bad, bad BAAAADDD idea.

Now it's growing back all thick and stubbly, which is obviously not attractive at all. And also, it's itchy. So I'm practically walking around scratching myself like I've got balls, and people are thinking that I've either i) got crabs or ii) a yeast infection.

So now I'm wishing I just sprang for the brazilian wax instead of buying a new Summer dress when Summer is nearly over (sadness), and it's almost worst to have itchy stubble down there then be o'natural (that's the second time I've said "o'natural" in like a week and ironically it was also about vag), and now I'm going to stop because I fear that I may have lost you forever.

Tough times in this economy. Tough times indeed.

PS - I took this picture of my toes for two reason. 1) my toenails are like daggers right now because the last time I had them file instead of cut them and that was a mistake. 2) I only noticed at the very moment that I took this shot that my toes are freakish and would not suffice for anyone with a foot fetish. Do you see how my second and third toes are coming out of what looks like one toe? Kind of like two twigs coming off one on larger branch? Ew.

Wednesday, August 19, 2009

So you want your cake and want to do what to it too?!?

My sister-in-law, let's call her Bunnles (I'll explain the name later), found this personal ad taped to a phone booth in Hell's Kitchen. It is SOOOOO good that she tore it down and pulled it out of her handbag while we were chatted over margaritas the other day. Just in case you can't read the pictures, here is what is says:


FOR WHITE CUTIES & HISPANIC HONEYS ONLY!

I'm a 39-year old single black male looking to date highly-attractive single white & Hispanic women with long blonde and/or red hair, beautiful legs, face and body (must be big-chested) between the age of 21 to 45. Also, must be independent, career minded, smart, non-smoker, drinks occasionally, into going to movies & nightclubs, enjoy listening to hip-hop, house, dance, freestyle, techno & disco music (+ a little reggae tone), listen to KTU (103.5 FM) on an everyday basis, must be promiscuous (in other words... must be into swinging!), be a great kisser, into threesomes (2 gals & 1 guy) & foursomes (3 gals & 1 guy), into looking smokin'-hot, wearing mini-skirts, daisy-dukes, & spiked heels (5-6 inches), drug & disease free (safe sex minded), willing to take turns paying on dates (no gold diggers), have long fingernails, must be a big New York Rangers fan (must love hockey!), into roller (inline) & ice skating, & playing video games. Also must be a N.Y. Mets fan + love the color RED!

But please no:

She males
Transvestites
Cross dressers
Transsexuals
S&M
B&D
NOR FATTIES!!!
(in other words... "BE REAL!!!")

So if interested please call me, Malik Turner at ....
All 5 boros & Long Island can respond.




Oh really?! Malik really knows what he wants. And I guess that's not a bad thing. But this guy is going to spend his entire life looking for someone who a) either doesn't exist, or b) is so similar to himself that he'll end up fucking the female version of himself (which frankly, I think too many men would love). This is the most ridiculous personal ad I've ever seen. Ladies - if you wear 4" heels, you're out. If you live in New Jersey - you're out. If you do not have blonde and/or red hair (why the "and"? that sounds like a horrible dye job!) - you're out. If you aren't into sharing your man with other people in the bedroom - you're out. If you don't listen to KTU on AN EVERYDAY BASIS - you're out. If you don't look good in daisy-dukes, you're out. Come on!

What I can say for this guy... is that he's got excellent punctuation. Koudos, Malik. At least you're doing something right.

Feel free to call him and see if you make the cut. We did. And apparently he doesn't like Russian women who prefer to shave rather than wax... darn it to hell.

Tuesday, August 18, 2009

Who wants a spanking?

So I'm guessing that no one is *really* all that interested in hearing the detail of my dysfunctional family, cause honestly WHO'S FAMILY ISN'T EFFED UP?! You all have enough of your own, so why do you need to hear about mine?

Instead, let's move onto bigger and better things!


Look - my cat likes cantaloupe!


Ok, no one cares about that either.

Tomorrow will knock your socks off though, all two of them, with the most insanely insane personal ad I've ever seen.

Monday, August 17, 2009

Mother is back in town. Oh god.

In a few mere days my my mother is back in NYC for her semi-annual visit. My aunt is coming with her. Last time the both of them were visiting a lot happened. Por ejemplo:

1. My mother and my sister got matching foot tattoos. My aunt also got one, but on her calf. I opted to sit that one out.

(Clearly my sister and I both get our stubby, fat feet, from my father. Thanks a lot, D.)

2. While Mr. T demonstrated his "mad dance skillz" (notice the quotation marks) my aunt thought it would be funny to straddle him like a horse whilst slapping him in the ass to make him go faster... my sister clearly felt the need to point out the fact that the situation was awkward awesome.


3. I had to pay $600 to have my awesome red couch professionally steam cleaned...

This is the only decent pic of my couch that I can find, and it happens to have my mother and Hermione in it. Awwwwww.

Lest you think we're a dysfunctional family, I will elaborate.... tomorrow. ;-)

Thursday, August 13, 2009

Revenge of the plastic people! BEWARE!

Bad plastic surgery is like a train wreck. You can't look away, no matter how disgusting, hideous or horrific it is. And that is why when I came across this article by the Daily News I HAD to share it with you.

Though I must warn you that these are not for the feint of heart. These people make Pam Andersen and Dolly Parton look good!


Katie Price (aka Jordan) is a British lingerie model and reality show star. Um, what are you English people thinking indulging this She-ra wannabe????

Why is the "Michael Jackson" nose disorder a family trait? Mean? Perhaps. But true.

Why does bad plastic surgery look even uglier on men? Is it because they are supposed to age gracefully? And salt-n-pepper hair and a few crows feet are supposed to look sexy (aka. Richard Gere)?

Another perfect example. I mean who are these people going to? Aren't they supposed to be the richest and most famous people in the world? You'd think that they could afford a surgeon who knows what they're doing. I mean, who would continue to do surgery on these people! I could go on a tirade right now... but I will spare you.

ANOTHER British model, this time a lingerie model. What is it with you people?? Ok, if I were a guy, MAYBE I'd want to hit this shit just to see what it was like. Honestly, she should be more ashamed of her outfit than her bad boob implants.


Why do people who've had plastic surgery go to all lengths to lie about it? Octo-mom swears she's never had ANY work done. Uh-huh. And you're not crazy either...

Ok, so she's kinda normal. But how did she get her boobs into the dress without her nipples showing? Impressive.


I'm leaving the scariest for last. Truly this gives me nightmares. She calls herself the Catwoman, and is a socialite who has reportedly spent $4m on surgeries. Seriously, I have no words.

That's it for Plastic People Wednesday! Now go look in the mirror and tell yourself you're beautiful... cause you are.

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Am I naked obsessed?

Why is it that my last few posts have all been about nudeness, nakedness, giant vaginas or super-sized boobs??? There seems to be an unintentional theme starting here...

Alas, this is why you're here in the first place... cause I'm a big perv AND YOU LOVE IT! Don't lie to yourself.

So, I'm back. Don't mark my words or anything but starting today you have my promise that I'll post something every other day at a minimum. (But I can't promise that some of them won't be stupid pictures or videos, like what occurred during my "lazy video phase of May 2009").

And yes, I am scared of sewing machines. Despite my mother having shown me how to use a sewing machine several DOZEN times throughout my childhood, I seem to have repressed those memories as I find them to be needly, stabbing machines of death. Scary shit.

Stay tuned... tomorrow is Plastic People Day!!!

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Who you callin' a big vag?

I walk by these advertisements EVERY SINGE DAY in the subway on my way to work.

What does this remind you of?


And this?


These next few I took with my iPhone this morning because I can't find them all ANYWHERE on the Web... even with my superior Google abilities...


Are you having flashbacks of coming out of your mother's womb yet?


There's nothing quite like giant 20-foot posters depicting vaginas at 8 AM...


Honestly though, I love this campaign. It's very o'natural. Plus it makes me want a martini for breakfast. MMMM mmmm MMMM!

Good work, Absolut, good work.