Friday, May 29, 2009

My cat is broken.

I think my cat is broken.

What's one of the things that cats are known to hate the most? No, I'm not talking about mice. Or dogs. I'm talking about water.

My kitten has an unnatural obsession with water. Every morning when I shower she sits on the edge of the tub meowing and trying to bat at me with her little paw. She does this until I pet her with my soaked hands while she licks water off my hand and arm. She won't leave until she's completely soaked and her hair stands up on end like Corey Haim's in License to Drive.

Then she shakes herself off like a dog and runs around until she's dry.

And then last night while I was in bed reading we played "fetch". No joke. She likes to play with my hairbands, and I'm not exaggerating when I say that she returned it to me 30 times in a row. I'd throw it. She'd chase it. She'd roll around with it for a minute or so. Then jump back up on the bed with the hairband in her mouth, drop it next to me, wiggle her butt, get a pet, and then sit patiently until I threw it again.

I'm pretty sure she's part dog.

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Listen to my mom talk about her sex life.... *OR*... stick a rusty fork in my eye....

Well, bloggy-friendies, my mom is dating (aka, having sex) again. After a dry spell of over 5 years. And she likes to talk about him, a lot. In LOTS of detail. Yes, that noise you just heard was a little bit of vomit making its way up my throat.

Let me set the stage for you all.

First, my mom reads my blog. Hi Mom! [I'm actually waving at the computer right now.] But she also knows that I pretty much exagerate and lie about everything, so she'll take this with a grain of salt just like you all do every day....

(I think it goes without saying that if my mom reads my blog and hasn't disowned me yet, she's a pretty cool mom.)

Second, my parents divorced when I was 13. Both of my parents subsequently remarried and then divorced again. My mother was also married and divorced, with no kids, before I was born. So in total, there are 4 divorces between my two parents (if you count their one from each other as 1 and not 2).

It's amazing I'm married, huh?

Ok moving on... after my mom's last divorce she moved out West, just north of San Fran, to help my grandfather take care of my grandmother who was suffering from Alzheimer's. She was also a bit worn out from failed relationships and had no desire to date. I think she just shut off her "man detector" for a few years while she figured things out. Who could blame her really? But there was always a small part of me that wished she would find someone because we all want our parents to be happy, right? I also knew that she would find someone again when she was ready.

Well *bbooooooooooyyy*, let me tell you, she was ready. "Hot and heavy" is an understatement. After two decades of infreuqent run-ins and sexual tension so palpable the air tasted like Gandhi's flip-flop, my mom finally reunited with someone from her past. They say timing is everything.

I talk to my mom on the phone at least once a week, sometimes more. Conversations used to pretty mild and mostly about what is going on my life. Now, this is pretty much how they go:

Me: Hey Mom! How are things?

Mom: Hi Sweetie! Greeeeeaaat. Things with Mr. T are going so amazing.

(yes, her man's name is also with "T" and *yes* she actually calls him that.)

Me: Oh great [eye roll], I'm so glad to hear th....

Mom: Yeah, he's just the most passionate and incredible person I've ever met. We just can't get enough of each other...

Me: That's wonderf.....

Mom: Like last Saturday he took me out to this divey restaurant in the city and I had a glass of champagne and got a little buzzed, and we made out at the table the whole night. And I didn't even care that people were staring at us the whole time! It's like we're in our own world!

Me: Wow.... nice.....

Mom: And then after we "hung out" in his car for a while....

Me: Uh huh...

Mom: And then later that night WE MADE LOVE! [giggle giggle giggle... like a teenager]

Me: .... [gag] ....

Mom: ... he's just the most passionate, tender lover. It's like we were made for each other... we fit like a glove. And he loves seeing me naked.... and .....

Me: (thinking to myself: Am I being punked? Where's Ashton?...)

Mom: Oh, and that pair of black lace underwear you bought me for Mother's Day a few years ago.... Mr. T LLLOOOOOVVVEESSS them!

Me: (Am I being punished? Is this what God does to us non-religious folks who don't go to church?)

Mom: Well. Sorry to go on and on, but it's just going so well right now...

Me: I'm.... happy for you.... Mom. Seriously. So, what *else* is new besides your sex life being hotter than mine right now????.....


I'm sure that after this post my mom will rip into me again by leaving another anonymous rant of a comment about how she "pushed me from her womb.... blah blah blah"....

******Update: After reading this post, my mother texted me to inform me that I neglected to mention that her new man, Mr T Sr., is 9 years younger then her. In her words, "it makes the post even better!" I'd also like to point out that my hubs, the original Mr. T, is 9 years older than me. This means that my husband and my mom's boyfriend are only 10 years apart. Creepy....

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

I'm back. But I don't have pictures of my near-arrest yet...

Hey folks. Nawlins was amazing! SO. MUCH. FUN.

I don't even know where to start. So I'm just gonna put a teaser out there today and highlight a few of the finer moments.

1) I really wanted to push the envelope this weekend by buying the bachelorette some really vulgar (yet practical) presents. They included Anal-Ese, which can be purchased here, and a giant black multi-speed vibrator called Jelly Chocolate Dream. I mean, who doesn't need a giant black dildo? The best part was when we somehow lost the Choco-Dream, and when it turned up in the hotel's Lost and Found, the woman behind the desk didn't want to give it up.

2) When some of us girls get together, we tend to beat things to death. Somehow, a skit from last week's SNL Season Finale with Will Ferrell came up... the one with the woman and her "baby hands," and we just wouldn't let it die. All weekend we walked around NOLA pretending we had freakishly long arms and baby-doll hands, singing in high-pitched creepy voices. It probably explains why people generally steered cleared of us. All I have to say is, "look at my pretty haaaaannndssss....."



3) Okay, okay. So I didn't come *that* close to an arrest. But it could have happened. Basically, after I hopped the gate of a private rental residence (thinking I was cool shit), the neighbors showed up, drunk and screaming, saying they were calling the police. This is after the woman yanked my friend down while she was halfway over the gate and I nearly punched her lights out. Note to self for future illegal activities: when someone threatens to call the cops on you, and what I'm doing is *technically* illegal, it's probably not in my best interest to call her a fat bitch and yell in her face. It's also not a good idea to hop a fence in 4-inch heels and a short dress. It's also not a good idea to force your friend to also hop the fence when the spikey, wrough iron fence is poking a giant hole through the sole of her shoe... repeatedly... and practically drawing blood...

4) We got stranded in the middle of the Bayou with a Parisian biker gang... on an airboat... surrounded by hungry gators. Well, okay, we weren't *technically* surrounded by gators... that we could see anyway. But they did show up later. And I wrangled one to the ground. Okay, that didn't happen either. But I did hold a baby alligator named "Su". I guess the fan belt on the airboat blew and we ended up just drifting through the swamp, aimlessly, for fourteen hours a half hour before we were rescued by a hot crocodile-wrangler/stripper named Damian old guy who shaved his armhair. Doesn't that sound like the perfect plot for a horror movie where each of dies, one by one, only to be eaten by alligators?

5) I ended up buying a disgusting, deformed alligator claw on a stick, and used it all weekend to reenact the above "baby hands" skit over and over and over.... I also named it Stewie. However, Stewie was way more deformed then either of these little guys. I think Stewie had severe arthritis during this short little life. Poor guy. The reason I don't have Stewie anymore, hence why I am not providing an actual picture of him, is because I sent him home with one of the girls this weekend, hidden in one of the zip pockets of her suitcase. She's a gynecological nurse and I thought she could use an extra hand now and then.

6) I witnessed what could be considered the greatest fall ever. We were at Goldmine, aka "hot sweaty mess central", a bar that is known for it's blaring music, 100 degree temperature, throbbing dance floor, and flaming Dr. Pepper shots. I was in the middle of one of my "intricate" dance moves when I see this guy next to us clearing a circle for his friend so she could go to town and perform the "knee jerk" dance. (Basically it's where you pull your knee up to your chest while hopping sideways.) Only this girl was wasted. I think this is what went through her mind....

"Ohmigod. Watch this. I'm gonna pull out some oldskool M-C-Hammer shit and everyone is going to think I'm sssoooooooooo awesome. Ok, dude just cleared me some space. Everyone is circled around me. I loooooovveeee being the center of attention. Especially when I'm about to *bust* some shit UP! Here. I. GO! And one-two-three.... Woot! Arms up! Knee in! This is great! Arms up-down. Knee up-in! WOOO! Look at me go! Look at everyone laughing at me...... Ahhhhaahaha! Wait... my face is wet. Why is my face wet? WAIT! There are feet next to my head! Am I on the floor?! What happened?! Why does my ass hurt?! Why is that girl over there doubled over in hysterics and pointing at me?? Did I fall...? Couldn't have... that was so awesome. But OW! People are stepping on me! Help me up ass-boy! Holy shit, I'm covered in sweat, stale beer and dirt! Sick! I'm might vomit. Why is that girl still laughing? Why is her face turning red with tears streaming down her face?! Did anyone see that?! Wow, that's gonna hurt tomorrow..."

It doesn't get better then seeing another girl end up in a crumpled mess on the floor and not even realize how she got there.

Thursday, May 21, 2009

Naw'lins, you don't know what's comin'....

So, tomorrow I'm off to the Big Easy for a bachelorette party. At exactly 4:00 am that is. I'll be on Bourbon Street drinking mimosas by 10:30 a.m. Does it get any better?

It's been two years since my last visit to NOLA, when I was there for my best friend's wedding.

Let me summarize why NOLA is so great:

1. The people are amazing, and friendly, and welcoming
2. It's beautiful. The architecture is a blend of French and Spanish, surrounded by greenery that is so vibrant you wonder if you're seeing it with your own eyes.
3. It is perfectly acceptable to be wasted any time of the day, especially before noon.
4. Naked breasts are a part of everyday life.
5.

6. There are many accessible places to dump a dead body. Like, say, the swamp.
7. Most foods are spicy and fried. And the calories you consume while in NOLA don't count.
8. Jazz is a way of life, and music is everywhere.
9. A little drink known as the Hand Grenade. Look it up.
10. It's haunted. There are ghosts everywhere, and everyone has a story to tell you about their personal experiences.
11. Voodoo is alive. You need candles to ward off negative energy? They got it. You need some sage to purify your living space? They got it. You need your ex-boyfriend to suffer from genital warts? They can do it.
12. Drinks are cheap.
13. Brangelina has a house there.
14. It's a giant party. All. The. Time.
15. Drive-thru margartia bars.
16. 5 cent blackjack tables.
17. Not to get sentimental, but they are survivors.
18. Typically, no one else remembers what an ass you were the night before.
19. Vampires.
20. Cobblestone streets in the French Quarter result in lots of falling.

I can't even begin to tell you how excited I am. Four days in one of the greatest cities in the world... with 11 other women, only 3 of which I know.

Whenever you get a dozen women together you never know what will become of it, but here's to hoping it's a whopping success!!!

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

The good, the bad, and the disfigured... [alternate title: why it's not sexy when your nipples point in opposite directions]

Okay, okay. So I'm stealing this idea from the Huffington Post. So sue me. I can't help that you all visit me for your daily dose of trash instead of them....

Let me start off by saying that I have no problem with breast implants, as long as they are done tastefully. Some of my best friends have had them. In fact, if I breast feed my future children someday and my boobs end up looking like deflated balloons when I'm not wearing a bra, I WILL get something done about it. However, today is not about me. It's about Hollywood and its plethora of silicon and saline.

Here's how this will work. I will present you with 12 pictures of "famous" breasts, all augmented. I will also provide you with pithy commentary on each rack. At which point you will take note who you think owns those fat bags. Then, at the end, I will provide you with the answers. Happy breast-nesday!

Here we go:

A) Not bad. Cute bathing suit. Though get that sucker wet and it's a nip-tacular party. Hint: This person has been at the forefront of controversy for the past month or so, and probably refuses to take it from behind.


B) This woman is hot. But her boobs not so much. She's a little too skinny for them, if you ask me. I think she'd be sexier without them. Hint: "You know I don't like to wear underwear, don't you, Nick?"


C) How in the *hell* did she leave her house thinking she looked good??? I promised ugly. And this is fugly at its finest. I must confess that I had no idea who this person was even after I knew their name. But how could you forget this pair... Hint: A reality tv star who lives in my city.


D) Nice tan. Pretty dress. Boobs not too big. Though I feel they are a bit too squished together. Hint: She'll be forever your girl.


E) First off, I would get that giant mole checked out. Second, these are a perfect example of what women think are gross, yet men find ridiculously attractive. Ew. Hint: Her dog's name is Mimi La Rue.


F) There is something just "off" about hese. I can't quite place it though. Maybe it's that they are discolored? Please, enlighten me. Hint: this poor girl came out about her botched boob job in 2006 and has subsequently had them fixed (yes, this is the after-shot).


G) What is up with her armpit?? It looks worse then her breasts. Bad fake tan. One thing I don't get, and it could be because I have real boobs, but how do you push them up this much without nipple showing?? Seriously, I'd like to know. Hint: None needed. This might be the easiest one.


H) Whoa. If it weren't for the "wandering nipple" issue here, I'd say they were a decent pair. Hint: Just look at her wrinkly armpit, so you know she's old. 2nd Hint: She's a royal bitch/former model.


I) This might be the most "normal" pair in the bunch, seeing as she has stretch marks because of a subsequent reduction. Overall, not bad. Hint: Don't let this bad angle fool you, this woman has a slammin' body and has a autistic son.


J) Pretty nice, though I think the pose is what is making them look so good. Hint: This chick likes her rockers....


K) If you don't guess this one from her hair tendrils and fitted pink bodice, I don't know what to tell you...


L) I saved the worst for last. I mean, there are no words for this. This is the second day in a row that I've vomited a bit in my mouth. This should be a poster for why *NOT* to get plastic surgery. When the doctor was in the middle of surgery, did he just go "oh well, I think I'll put 300 cc's on this side, and 400 cc's on the other... she'll never know." Hint: You will not know this person, so don't bother guessing. But when I tell you who she is and why she's famous, you'll be shocked.



*****AND NOW THE ANSWERS*******



A) Yup, those breasts belong to Miss California, runner-up in the Miss USA competition. The most recent controversy: the pageant PAID FOR HER BREASTS JUST WEEKS BEFORE the competition!!!! WTF is an understatement....


B) Sharon Stone. Yup, that perky pair belongs to this cougar.


C) This concave mess belongs to Real Housewife of NYC, Kelly Killoren Bensimon. Did she get her's done in a back alley in Queens??? I don't watch the show, and now I know why.


D) Yes, this decent pair belongs to Ms. Paula Abdul. Why hasn't Simon hit that shit yet???


E) I don't care if you've had two kids or not. This is shameful. This is not the Donna that Dean married.


F) Poor Tara Reid: a broken engagement with Carson Daly, a botched boob job, and endless drunken pictures of her half- or entirely naked. I guess that's what happens when you're a slut.


G) If it weren't for the horrific, spray tan, I would think she was a auschwitz survivor. I mean, seriously?! David thinks this is hot?? I guess it explains his high-pitched, Mike Tyson voice... no man would think this is hot.


H) So Janice Dickison is hot. I'd like to believe that her nipple doesn't have a mind of its own and it's just the camera angle and her arm pressing against it. But honestly, if I look like this when I'm 78, I'll be pretty darn happy.


I) I like Jenny McCarthy. I really do. But this shirt isn't doing anything for her. Props to her, though, for getting the reduction. She used to look like she was about to float off into space.


J) Carmen, Carmen, Carmen. When will you learn that bad boys don't make for a sustainable relationship? It seems that the darker the nail polish and the tighter the pants, the more Carmen likes a guy. Did you know that she has said she regrets getting her breasts done? I think her relationship with Dennis Rodman was a result of a silicon leak.


K) Arguably one of the best racks in Hollywood, even if Mariah Carey is completely insane.


L) And because I always like to end a blog post on a scary or traumatic note, we're back to this set. Her name is Victoria Silverstedt. Still don't know who she is? Well, she was Playmate of the Year in 1977. Yup. That's what I said. This is what men found attractive in 1977. I told you it was shocking. Such a pretty face... what a waste.


There are many more of these if you want to read them at the Huffington Post article. But honestly, you won't get the same snippy level of cruelty that I just gave you, so don't waste your time...

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Baaaabbbby-ayyy!

I was on the treadmill this morning watch the Today Show, and all of the cast members from The Cosby Show were there. They showed this clip, and it just made my day. Matt Lauer said, "this may be one of the greatest television clips of all time." Here here, Matt Lauer.



Oh, Rudy. She was so cute.... back then. She went from this:



TO THIS!!!



Sidenote: Does anyone else find Matt Lauer ridiculously sexy? There's something about his divorced, travel-the-world-for-television, single-dad, saltiness that gives Anderson Cooper a run for his money. Additionally, does anyone else wish Matt and Meredith would just screw like rabbits and get it over with??? Sheeesh.

While I was scouring the Web for a hot pic of Matt to post for you, I found this:


... and that's why I just vomited a little bit on my mouth....

Now I'll just have to do my best to erase the disgusting images of Matt Lauer walking around in furry, pink kitten heels from my memory by staring at this for the next 7 hours.


You don't have to have a red squeaky nose to ride in a clown car

This is absolutely amazing. I wish it went on longer...


video

Friday, May 15, 2009

Keep on truckin' bloggy-friends

I love this. It made my day.

Onwards from AKQA on Vimeo.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

This is what I'm reduced to

Pretty much anything makes me laugh right now. At work, we have a big conference coming up and had to put together gift bags for attendees, and since we're a start-up, everyone was chipping in. For the last 8 hours, we've been using toxic Rubber Glue to adhere pictures to oaktag cards. So, to say this another way... in our small office, two giant jars of toxic fumes have been filling up the air to point that everything looks a little hazy. Everyone is loopy, and I think our executive assistant is about to boot. I was about to log into a shared system, that always displays the name of the last user to log in, and this is what I saw:


Yup, that's it.

We're all dicks for getting ourselves high for tonight's festivities: Beer Pong Tournament. That's right. My company is sponsoring a tournament where people compete to throw a ball into one of several small cups and the losers get fall-on-their-face drunk. That ball is touched by everyone in the room, including the dirty floor, and then it falls into your cup full of beer before you are forced to chug it down in one gulp. Is this not how swine flu is spread??? This is my life, people.

Who needs a laugh today?

ME! ME! ME!!! Well, here you go:

Look at this fucking hipster --> http://www.latfh.com/

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

Absurdity of the day (...in a good way)

This kid is fucking incredible. He's probably 6 years old, and is playing some of the hardest guitar songs out there and is playing the base and lead at the same time!!!

Enjoy!



Friday, May 8, 2009

This is so damn funny I can barely breathe....

This is killing me. Not only is it clips of hysterical shit, which you know I love, but this cat is freaking hilarious!!!! He's like the Stevie Wonder of catdom, except he's not blind!

You have to go this site and watch them all. It gets better and better.

Unfortunately, I'm a little late to the game, as this has been viral for a while now.

Alas, there is a very sad ending to this story:

Freaky Friday (and no, I'm not talking about Lindsey Lohan in her pre-anorexic hayday)


This effing Robin lady is freaking me the HELL OUT! Seriously. Usually I can figure this shit out and it's driving me nuts. There is a catch... Help please!

****** ONLY READ IF YOU WANT TO KNOW THE CATCH... 'cause I'm wicked smart!

I'm think it hasn't something to do with the fact that there are only certain numbers that every two-digit number calculates to (i.e. 9, 3, 81... all squared numbers) and each time you click through, it shows the same gift for every prime number.

Thursday, May 7, 2009

It's official: I'm not going to die. Score!

So I've been sick all week. Since Sunday to be exact. I took a nap Sunday afternoon and woke up feeling like I just spent the hour in Anderson Cooper's asscrack. Yup, that's right ---smelly, sweaty and feeling like crap.

Since then I've been utterly exhausted, completely out of it (like walking into innate objects), in pain from severe stomach cramping, and suffering from profuse night sweats. I stayed home from work Monday and slept 14 hours, and was still tired on Tuesday. The only word to describe it is "icky".

As of yesterday, when I forced myself to visit the CDC's website and read up on the symptoms of swine flu, I was convinced I had the infamous H1N1 virus. I had 4 of the 6 symptoms, and was determined that I needed to be tested. Yet I pushed on through and decided I'd wait one more day.

Today, I woke up a brand new woman. I felt clear headed, energetic and excited to go to work. Ready to face the cruel City on yet *another* rainy, wet morning.

So, today friends, is a good day. It's Thursday and I feel great! Give me a "woot!"

PS - I still think I had swine flu. But my superior immune system battled it like a warrior and won.

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Stick a chicken in me, I'm.... vintage??!

Have you ever had an alarm clock wake you up for so many years that you grow to hate it, despise it even, and generally want to punch it until its insides spew out?

Lately, I reminisced about an old alarm clock I had as a teenager. And now I can't get it's stupid song out of my head. It's been days now....

It was single-handedly the most annoying alarm clock on the face of the planet. Yet, being a teenager in the 80's/90's, I thought it was the coolest thing since sliced bread.

It was a Rock N Roll Chicken who screamed the words "baby!" and "come and dance with meeeeeeee!" in an attempt to roust me. It was *SOOOOO* loud that I don't know how my family stood it 'cause I'm sure they heard it every morning (and sometimes in the afternoons...)

You would push his little red comb on the top of his head to turn it on and off. And when he was singing, his little yellow beak would actually open.



And now NOW! it's being called "Vintage" on eBay. What the hell does that make me, at a mere 30 years old? Senile? Whomever is selling this "vintage" clock is an a-hole.

Monday, May 4, 2009

What is this world coming to? {Alternate title: why is it okay when people can poke racial fun at their own themselves?}

They say that the way a man dances says a lot about how good (or bad) they are in bed. All I can say is... these guys must have limp-dick in the sack.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

Me + Natalie Dee = separated at birth

This was at the top of her site today. This is why I love Natalie Dee...

Saturday, May 2, 2009

Friday, May 1, 2009

Do you ever feel like this?

When this happens (all too frequently) I just want to punch the guy in the face.


I don't stare at guys crotches all day long???

Well... except on the subway....