Wednesday, August 19, 2009

So you want your cake and want to do what to it too?!?

My sister-in-law, let's call her Bunnles (I'll explain the name later), found this personal ad taped to a phone booth in Hell's Kitchen. It is SOOOOO good that she tore it down and pulled it out of her handbag while we were chatted over margaritas the other day. Just in case you can't read the pictures, here is what is says:


I'm a 39-year old single black male looking to date highly-attractive single white & Hispanic women with long blonde and/or red hair, beautiful legs, face and body (must be big-chested) between the age of 21 to 45. Also, must be independent, career minded, smart, non-smoker, drinks occasionally, into going to movies & nightclubs, enjoy listening to hip-hop, house, dance, freestyle, techno & disco music (+ a little reggae tone), listen to KTU (103.5 FM) on an everyday basis, must be promiscuous (in other words... must be into swinging!), be a great kisser, into threesomes (2 gals & 1 guy) & foursomes (3 gals & 1 guy), into looking smokin'-hot, wearing mini-skirts, daisy-dukes, & spiked heels (5-6 inches), drug & disease free (safe sex minded), willing to take turns paying on dates (no gold diggers), have long fingernails, must be a big New York Rangers fan (must love hockey!), into roller (inline) & ice skating, & playing video games. Also must be a N.Y. Mets fan + love the color RED!

But please no:

She males
Cross dressers
(in other words... "BE REAL!!!")

So if interested please call me, Malik Turner at ....
All 5 boros & Long Island can respond.

Oh really?! Malik really knows what he wants. And I guess that's not a bad thing. But this guy is going to spend his entire life looking for someone who a) either doesn't exist, or b) is so similar to himself that he'll end up fucking the female version of himself (which frankly, I think too many men would love). This is the most ridiculous personal ad I've ever seen. Ladies - if you wear 4" heels, you're out. If you live in New Jersey - you're out. If you do not have blonde and/or red hair (why the "and"? that sounds like a horrible dye job!) - you're out. If you aren't into sharing your man with other people in the bedroom - you're out. If you don't listen to KTU on AN EVERYDAY BASIS - you're out. If you don't look good in daisy-dukes, you're out. Come on!

What I can say for this guy... is that he's got excellent punctuation. Koudos, Malik. At least you're doing something right.

Feel free to call him and see if you make the cut. We did. And apparently he doesn't like Russian women who prefer to shave rather than wax... darn it to hell.


  1. oh boy ... well, a man can dream, i suppose

  2. I don't know, maybe I'm old fashioned, but I highly doubt anyone who meets "must be promiscuous" isn't going to be "drug & disease free (safe sex minded)" I could be wrong.
    And I can't help but think that dear old Malik has some self esteem issues since he clearly doesn't want to compete with other men in the bedroom:"into threesomes (2 gals & 1 guy) & foursomes (3 gals & 1 guy)."
    Malik thinks Porno is REAL. Silly boy.

  3. Some men think they are god's gift to women...
    Oh boy!! Does Malik come on top of the list??

  4. He seems so desperate he'll come on top of just about anything.

  5. Plus, his perfect woman MUST play video games. LOL. Good luck with that...