Tuesday, May 26, 2009

I'm back. But I don't have pictures of my near-arrest yet...

Hey folks. Nawlins was amazing! SO. MUCH. FUN.

I don't even know where to start. So I'm just gonna put a teaser out there today and highlight a few of the finer moments.

1) I really wanted to push the envelope this weekend by buying the bachelorette some really vulgar (yet practical) presents. They included Anal-Ese, which can be purchased here, and a giant black multi-speed vibrator called Jelly Chocolate Dream. I mean, who doesn't need a giant black dildo? The best part was when we somehow lost the Choco-Dream, and when it turned up in the hotel's Lost and Found, the woman behind the desk didn't want to give it up.

2) When some of us girls get together, we tend to beat things to death. Somehow, a skit from last week's SNL Season Finale with Will Ferrell came up... the one with the woman and her "baby hands," and we just wouldn't let it die. All weekend we walked around NOLA pretending we had freakishly long arms and baby-doll hands, singing in high-pitched creepy voices. It probably explains why people generally steered cleared of us. All I have to say is, "look at my pretty haaaaannndssss....."

3) Okay, okay. So I didn't come *that* close to an arrest. But it could have happened. Basically, after I hopped the gate of a private rental residence (thinking I was cool shit), the neighbors showed up, drunk and screaming, saying they were calling the police. This is after the woman yanked my friend down while she was halfway over the gate and I nearly punched her lights out. Note to self for future illegal activities: when someone threatens to call the cops on you, and what I'm doing is *technically* illegal, it's probably not in my best interest to call her a fat bitch and yell in her face. It's also not a good idea to hop a fence in 4-inch heels and a short dress. It's also not a good idea to force your friend to also hop the fence when the spikey, wrough iron fence is poking a giant hole through the sole of her shoe... repeatedly... and practically drawing blood...

4) We got stranded in the middle of the Bayou with a Parisian biker gang... on an airboat... surrounded by hungry gators. Well, okay, we weren't *technically* surrounded by gators... that we could see anyway. But they did show up later. And I wrangled one to the ground. Okay, that didn't happen either. But I did hold a baby alligator named "Su". I guess the fan belt on the airboat blew and we ended up just drifting through the swamp, aimlessly, for fourteen hours a half hour before we were rescued by a hot crocodile-wrangler/stripper named Damian old guy who shaved his armhair. Doesn't that sound like the perfect plot for a horror movie where each of dies, one by one, only to be eaten by alligators?

5) I ended up buying a disgusting, deformed alligator claw on a stick, and used it all weekend to reenact the above "baby hands" skit over and over and over.... I also named it Stewie. However, Stewie was way more deformed then either of these little guys. I think Stewie had severe arthritis during this short little life. Poor guy. The reason I don't have Stewie anymore, hence why I am not providing an actual picture of him, is because I sent him home with one of the girls this weekend, hidden in one of the zip pockets of her suitcase. She's a gynecological nurse and I thought she could use an extra hand now and then.

6) I witnessed what could be considered the greatest fall ever. We were at Goldmine, aka "hot sweaty mess central", a bar that is known for it's blaring music, 100 degree temperature, throbbing dance floor, and flaming Dr. Pepper shots. I was in the middle of one of my "intricate" dance moves when I see this guy next to us clearing a circle for his friend so she could go to town and perform the "knee jerk" dance. (Basically it's where you pull your knee up to your chest while hopping sideways.) Only this girl was wasted. I think this is what went through her mind....

"Ohmigod. Watch this. I'm gonna pull out some oldskool M-C-Hammer shit and everyone is going to think I'm sssoooooooooo awesome. Ok, dude just cleared me some space. Everyone is circled around me. I loooooovveeee being the center of attention. Especially when I'm about to *bust* some shit UP! Here. I. GO! And one-two-three.... Woot! Arms up! Knee in! This is great! Arms up-down. Knee up-in! WOOO! Look at me go! Look at everyone laughing at me...... Ahhhhaahaha! Wait... my face is wet. Why is my face wet? WAIT! There are feet next to my head! Am I on the floor?! What happened?! Why does my ass hurt?! Why is that girl over there doubled over in hysterics and pointing at me?? Did I fall...? Couldn't have... that was so awesome. But OW! People are stepping on me! Help me up ass-boy! Holy shit, I'm covered in sweat, stale beer and dirt! Sick! I'm might vomit. Why is that girl still laughing? Why is her face turning red with tears streaming down her face?! Did anyone see that?! Wow, that's gonna hurt tomorrow..."

It doesn't get better then seeing another girl end up in a crumpled mess on the floor and not even realize how she got there.


  1. that definitely sounds like my NOLA!!! love it. tell me you sang karoke at the cat's meow and had a hurricane at pat o'briens.

  2. I remember when I was a freshman in college thinking that I could breakdance when I was shitfaced. I couldn't breakdance when I wasn't shitfaced but that didn't factor in to the equation.

  3. I need a trip to NOLA.

  4. Junice and her itty, bitty mitties crack me wide open every time! But there's something so wrong about alligator hands on sticks-- EW!