Wednesday, May 20, 2009

The good, the bad, and the disfigured... [alternate title: why it's not sexy when your nipples point in opposite directions]

Okay, okay. So I'm stealing this idea from the Huffington Post. So sue me. I can't help that you all visit me for your daily dose of trash instead of them....

Let me start off by saying that I have no problem with breast implants, as long as they are done tastefully. Some of my best friends have had them. In fact, if I breast feed my future children someday and my boobs end up looking like deflated balloons when I'm not wearing a bra, I WILL get something done about it. However, today is not about me. It's about Hollywood and its plethora of silicon and saline.

Here's how this will work. I will present you with 12 pictures of "famous" breasts, all augmented. I will also provide you with pithy commentary on each rack. At which point you will take note who you think owns those fat bags. Then, at the end, I will provide you with the answers. Happy breast-nesday!

Here we go:

A) Not bad. Cute bathing suit. Though get that sucker wet and it's a nip-tacular party. Hint: This person has been at the forefront of controversy for the past month or so, and probably refuses to take it from behind.

B) This woman is hot. But her boobs not so much. She's a little too skinny for them, if you ask me. I think she'd be sexier without them. Hint: "You know I don't like to wear underwear, don't you, Nick?"

C) How in the *hell* did she leave her house thinking she looked good??? I promised ugly. And this is fugly at its finest. I must confess that I had no idea who this person was even after I knew their name. But how could you forget this pair... Hint: A reality tv star who lives in my city.

D) Nice tan. Pretty dress. Boobs not too big. Though I feel they are a bit too squished together. Hint: She'll be forever your girl.

E) First off, I would get that giant mole checked out. Second, these are a perfect example of what women think are gross, yet men find ridiculously attractive. Ew. Hint: Her dog's name is Mimi La Rue.

F) There is something just "off" about hese. I can't quite place it though. Maybe it's that they are discolored? Please, enlighten me. Hint: this poor girl came out about her botched boob job in 2006 and has subsequently had them fixed (yes, this is the after-shot).

G) What is up with her armpit?? It looks worse then her breasts. Bad fake tan. One thing I don't get, and it could be because I have real boobs, but how do you push them up this much without nipple showing?? Seriously, I'd like to know. Hint: None needed. This might be the easiest one.

H) Whoa. If it weren't for the "wandering nipple" issue here, I'd say they were a decent pair. Hint: Just look at her wrinkly armpit, so you know she's old. 2nd Hint: She's a royal bitch/former model.

I) This might be the most "normal" pair in the bunch, seeing as she has stretch marks because of a subsequent reduction. Overall, not bad. Hint: Don't let this bad angle fool you, this woman has a slammin' body and has a autistic son.

J) Pretty nice, though I think the pose is what is making them look so good. Hint: This chick likes her rockers....

K) If you don't guess this one from her hair tendrils and fitted pink bodice, I don't know what to tell you...

L) I saved the worst for last. I mean, there are no words for this. This is the second day in a row that I've vomited a bit in my mouth. This should be a poster for why *NOT* to get plastic surgery. When the doctor was in the middle of surgery, did he just go "oh well, I think I'll put 300 cc's on this side, and 400 cc's on the other... she'll never know." Hint: You will not know this person, so don't bother guessing. But when I tell you who she is and why she's famous, you'll be shocked.


A) Yup, those breasts belong to Miss California, runner-up in the Miss USA competition. The most recent controversy: the pageant PAID FOR HER BREASTS JUST WEEKS BEFORE the competition!!!! WTF is an understatement....

B) Sharon Stone. Yup, that perky pair belongs to this cougar.

C) This concave mess belongs to Real Housewife of NYC, Kelly Killoren Bensimon. Did she get her's done in a back alley in Queens??? I don't watch the show, and now I know why.

D) Yes, this decent pair belongs to Ms. Paula Abdul. Why hasn't Simon hit that shit yet???

E) I don't care if you've had two kids or not. This is shameful. This is not the Donna that Dean married.

F) Poor Tara Reid: a broken engagement with Carson Daly, a botched boob job, and endless drunken pictures of her half- or entirely naked. I guess that's what happens when you're a slut.

G) If it weren't for the horrific, spray tan, I would think she was a auschwitz survivor. I mean, seriously?! David thinks this is hot?? I guess it explains his high-pitched, Mike Tyson voice... no man would think this is hot.

H) So Janice Dickison is hot. I'd like to believe that her nipple doesn't have a mind of its own and it's just the camera angle and her arm pressing against it. But honestly, if I look like this when I'm 78, I'll be pretty darn happy.

I) I like Jenny McCarthy. I really do. But this shirt isn't doing anything for her. Props to her, though, for getting the reduction. She used to look like she was about to float off into space.

J) Carmen, Carmen, Carmen. When will you learn that bad boys don't make for a sustainable relationship? It seems that the darker the nail polish and the tighter the pants, the more Carmen likes a guy. Did you know that she has said she regrets getting her breasts done? I think her relationship with Dennis Rodman was a result of a silicon leak.

K) Arguably one of the best racks in Hollywood, even if Mariah Carey is completely insane.

L) And because I always like to end a blog post on a scary or traumatic note, we're back to this set. Her name is Victoria Silverstedt. Still don't know who she is? Well, she was Playmate of the Year in 1977. Yup. That's what I said. This is what men found attractive in 1977. I told you it was shocking. Such a pretty face... what a waste.

There are many more of these if you want to read them at the Huffington Post article. But honestly, you won't get the same snippy level of cruelty that I just gave you, so don't waste your time...


  1. I knew two. I think that's good right that I didn't know them all? Janice is as crazy as a sewer rat. And Becks.....*shakes head* - I think he's the submissive in that relationship.

  2. okay boobs C are fucking me up. WHY ARE THEY SO FAR APART?? that is terrifying.

  3. This may be a bit off topic and perhaps goes without saying, but if Victoria Beckham isn't one of the world's worst excuses for a human being, then I don't know who is. Loathe.

  4. Breasts are fucking great.

    It's funny, men can talk so much shit about what specific kind of breasts they like but the bottom line is we love any kind of breasts that we get to play with.