Thursday, May 28, 2009

Listen to my mom talk about her sex life.... *OR*... stick a rusty fork in my eye....

Well, bloggy-friendies, my mom is dating (aka, having sex) again. After a dry spell of over 5 years. And she likes to talk about him, a lot. In LOTS of detail. Yes, that noise you just heard was a little bit of vomit making its way up my throat.

Let me set the stage for you all.

First, my mom reads my blog. Hi Mom! [I'm actually waving at the computer right now.] But she also knows that I pretty much exagerate and lie about everything, so she'll take this with a grain of salt just like you all do every day....

(I think it goes without saying that if my mom reads my blog and hasn't disowned me yet, she's a pretty cool mom.)

Second, my parents divorced when I was 13. Both of my parents subsequently remarried and then divorced again. My mother was also married and divorced, with no kids, before I was born. So in total, there are 4 divorces between my two parents (if you count their one from each other as 1 and not 2).

It's amazing I'm married, huh?

Ok moving on... after my mom's last divorce she moved out West, just north of San Fran, to help my grandfather take care of my grandmother who was suffering from Alzheimer's. She was also a bit worn out from failed relationships and had no desire to date. I think she just shut off her "man detector" for a few years while she figured things out. Who could blame her really? But there was always a small part of me that wished she would find someone because we all want our parents to be happy, right? I also knew that she would find someone again when she was ready.

Well *bbooooooooooyyy*, let me tell you, she was ready. "Hot and heavy" is an understatement. After two decades of infreuqent run-ins and sexual tension so palpable the air tasted like Gandhi's flip-flop, my mom finally reunited with someone from her past. They say timing is everything.

I talk to my mom on the phone at least once a week, sometimes more. Conversations used to pretty mild and mostly about what is going on my life. Now, this is pretty much how they go:

Me: Hey Mom! How are things?

Mom: Hi Sweetie! Greeeeeaaat. Things with Mr. T are going so amazing.

(yes, her man's name is also with "T" and *yes* she actually calls him that.)

Me: Oh great [eye roll], I'm so glad to hear th....

Mom: Yeah, he's just the most passionate and incredible person I've ever met. We just can't get enough of each other...

Me: That's wonderf.....

Mom: Like last Saturday he took me out to this divey restaurant in the city and I had a glass of champagne and got a little buzzed, and we made out at the table the whole night. And I didn't even care that people were staring at us the whole time! It's like we're in our own world!

Me: Wow.... nice.....

Mom: And then after we "hung out" in his car for a while....

Me: Uh huh...

Mom: And then later that night WE MADE LOVE! [giggle giggle giggle... like a teenager]

Me: .... [gag] ....

Mom: ... he's just the most passionate, tender lover. It's like we were made for each other... we fit like a glove. And he loves seeing me naked.... and .....

Me: (thinking to myself: Am I being punked? Where's Ashton?...)

Mom: Oh, and that pair of black lace underwear you bought me for Mother's Day a few years ago.... Mr. T LLLOOOOOVVVEESSS them!

Me: (Am I being punished? Is this what God does to us non-religious folks who don't go to church?)

Mom: Well. Sorry to go on and on, but it's just going so well right now...

Me: I'm.... happy for you.... Mom. Seriously. So, what *else* is new besides your sex life being hotter than mine right now????.....


I'm sure that after this post my mom will rip into me again by leaving another anonymous rant of a comment about how she "pushed me from her womb.... blah blah blah"....

******Update: After reading this post, my mother texted me to inform me that I neglected to mention that her new man, Mr T Sr., is 9 years younger then her. In her words, "it makes the post even better!" I'd also like to point out that my hubs, the original Mr. T, is 9 years older than me. This means that my husband and my mom's boyfriend are only 10 years apart. Creepy....

6 comments:

  1. Ah, you've reached that point in life where your mother feels comfortable "sharing" with you. As much as I LOOOOOOOVE that my mom thinks of me as a somewhat equal, there are somethings I just don't want to know!!! Seriously! Especially where my father(deceased) or her "man friend" are concerned.
    Smile, nod, and the soak your brain later with vodka to erase the imagines.

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  2. your mom is awesome but then again, I kinda expected that. this gives me a bit of hope since my man detector is off these days

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  3. I plead guilty on all counts! But Sassy left out possibly the MOST important detail...... my Mr.T is HOT, SEXY and GORGEOUS!!!!! Eat your hearts out all you forty year olds!
    Sassy's Mom

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  4. I'm vomiting on your behalf, as someone who's father once said he probably has dozens of illegitimate kids running around thanks to the "free love" of his youth... ::shudder::

    Although, YAY for your mom!

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