Notice that I've created my own equivalent of an Onion headline. And the woman in reference is me. Surprise, surprise.
As you know, Saturday I attended the New York 2nd Annual Wine Expo. To someone who appreciates wine, it's the equivalent of an alcoholic falling off the wagon and gleefully falling into a tub of vodka. Except they drown. (Somehow that metaphor doesn't quite work, but stick with me here...)
I attended said event with Mr. T, my BFF, E, her husband K, and another couple who we'll refer to as Kelp and The Persian. So it was a couples trifecta. (Side note: Isn't it interesting how when couples hang out together the women bond together by making fun of the men, and the men bond together by drinking too much?)
So the key to a successful wine tasting, particularly when they are of a large scale and last 4 hours, is to have a plan of attack. To say we lacked one was an understatement.
The Expo started off with a bang (for me, anyway). The only semblance of strategy that we had was to start with a few sparkling wines. In an entire room of wine, it took us nearly 10 minutes to find a table with sparkling wine... and we weren't even drunk yet. But what occurred at this first table set the stage for the rest of the event: me, Sass, being a complete know-it-all and overall pain in the ass.
Here's how it went:
Me: It looks like you have a few sparkling wines here?
Winery: Yes, we have three Prosecco wines.
Me: Great. There are six of us and we wanted to start the day off with something light. What's the difference between the three?
Winery: Well, let's start you off with the Cuvée. It's a bit dry and the lightest of the three.
Me: (taking a sip) Yeah, that's nice. Crisp. Some citrus undertones, apple maybe. What's next?
Winery: Next, we have a rosé Prosecco, which has a bit of sweetness and is smoother than the Cuvée.
Me: (tasting) Oh, that is sweeter. Tasty. Seems to have a bit of a vanilla aftertaste. What varietal did you say the red wine that makes this a rosé was again?
Winery: It's a Sangiovese grape. Let's try the last one, which is 100% Prosecco. What do you think?
Me: (gulping the last one). Whoa. That's good. This would make a nice mimosa. Very clean. What do these retail for?
Winery: About $15 per bottle. Are you in the trade?
Me: What do you mean?
Winery: Well, you're asking all the questions that a dealer or distributor would ask. Are you in the wine business?
Me: Umm. You just made my day, dude. And no, I'm not in the business. But now I have bragging rights all day.
Needless to say, my friends hated me for the rest of the day as I "talked shop" with all the tables. We ended up breaking off into two groups: girls and guys. Here's a recap of what us girls did in our time away from the guys:
--- Slathered ourselves in temporary tattoos that said Chateauneuf de Pape (great French wine!), Anarchy, and Biker. I apparently was the expert at administering these tattoos because I started plastering total strangers with them. I still can't get the damn things off of me.
---Made fast friends with another group of three girls after E started (loudly) passing the blame for a fart that was lingering in the air while we waited in line for the bathroom. The other girls found this to be very amusing (or pathetic) and invited us to their monthly wine dinners.
---Pissed off the hummus lady. Well, I should specify that *I* pissed off the hummus lady. We walked up, she asked what kind I wanted to try, and I said, "All of them". And she actually "hmph-ed" me before proceeding to hand me three preztel sticks, each with the most minute amount of hummus on it. Bitch. What the hell did she expect? Drunk people get the munchies.
---Got under-the-table tastings of some oober-high-end wine from Michael David since the guy remembered us from last year. I regret to inform you that the reason he remembered us from last year was because I kept promising him some free Website consulting and marketing that I never came through on. But, three cute girls flirting with him apparently overrode any hostility he felt towards me from last year.
---Discovered the greatest salsa in the world! I couldn't stop eating it. I just stood there stuffing my face with salsa and tostidos to the point that they had to refill the chip bowl with a new bag before I left. I guess this salsa is made with mango and Australian peppers. Seriously kick ass. Ordering some online right now.
---Had to be physically removed from the premises when the Expo was over. Apparently, when they say that it ended at 6:00 PM they were serious. Our little group (which ended up being us 3 girls, our 3 guys and our 3 new girlfriends) just stayed and hung out with our man, Doug, at Michael David, until some ushers came over and said we had to leave. Naturally, we don't remember much of this happening. But as the rest of our group hastily started to leave, E and I were stopping at all of the tasting booths that still had pourers there. We were begging for more wine as we slowly made our way to the exit. The usher was literally taking us by the arm and moving us along while we protested, "Just one more, just one more!" It would have made VodkaMom damn proud.
We finally stumbled over to Mr. Biggs, with E and I arm-in-arm, weaving in a great big z pattern. I keep having flashbacks of me stuffing my face with nachos, cheese fries and wings. Somehow, I thought it was a good idea to order a margarita. A MARGARITA, PEOPLE! After 4 hours of wine tasting! At least I had the decency to ask for Patrón. Do you see why this was a bad idea from the get go?!?!
My last memory of the evening was The Persian and Mr. T tossing a bag of my leftover fajitas back and forth while I tried to get Mr. T into the taxi. It ended up on the doorstep of Mr. Biggs where someone coming out of the bar would step right into a platter of salsa and sour cream. What assholes we are.
Who wants to come next year???...