Wednesday, January 7, 2009

My ass looks like two raccoons stuck in a gunny sack


This is how I feel. I've eaten so much crap, sugar, partially hydrogenated oils, high fructose corn syrup, vast quantities of cheese and cheese products, that I've started dreaming about giant cookie heads yelling at me to STOP THE MADNESS!!!

Seriously.

Even my kitties are starting to look yummy. The more crap you eat, the more you want. It's a vicious cycle really. I'm convinced this is the single reason that McDonald's is so successful. That, and I'm convinced they lace their fountain sodas with cocaine.

Every year, starting with Thanksgiving, I give in and eventually eat whatever I want for an entire month. Yeah, I spend a few days trying to be good after the Turkey Day feast, but then it all goes to hell in a basket full of donuts. There's no turning back after that first day that a co-worker brings in sugar cookies. Until you put on your favorite pair of jeans in the New Year and realize they don't fit any more. There's stretching where they shouldn't be and you kinda feel like there's a ferret in your pants, taking up extra room. But then you realize it's your ass.

Maybe it was the entire tub of dip I ate with those potato chips? Or the 2 lb. block of cheese that I ingested with my pinot noir? Or that half of a giant raspberry tart that the family friend made from scratch with 6 sticks of butter? Well, now they are all sitting on my ass like the Cheshire Cat from Alice in Wonderful, laughing at me, point and humming a cheery little tune. No one can see him but me. He's a wiley little sucker. If I were the Queen of Hearts, I would totally go all "Off with his head!" on his ass. In fact, my ass kinda looks like hers right now.

16 comments:

  1. Oh dear...ah well, nothing like a racoon in a gunny sack to getcha motivated :)))

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  2. I happen to like the two raccoon look!

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  3. 1) I see you on a daily basis, and I assure you, there is no raccoon.
    2) "Even my kitties are starting to look yummy. The more crap you eat, the more you want." I think indulging now and then is ok, and sometimes we will feel guilty about it later. But if you eat your cats, you WILL regret it.

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  4. Just in time for your wedding. You didn't plan that very well, did you?

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  5. PS - my word verification was Catstr, which happens to be a nickname of mine. Freaking awesome. Your WV talks to me.

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  6. Egg Nog is my down fall. It's like drinking pancakes!!!

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  7. If God didn't intend for you to eat the whole bag, he would have made potato chips larger. Well, that's MY excuse. I've seen photos of you. You need to get rid of your mirror. There's no big ol' ass following you around.

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  8. This holiday I went so far down the crap food chain that I have Poptarts in my pantry. Must stop the insanity and I will as soon as I finish my Poptarts.;-)

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  9. RB - You're right. I will regret it if I eat my kittens. Those I think The Bloggess would support that, based on today's post.

    Cat - I'm still considering posting our email chain about intestinal pockets. Don't know how we got there from this entry, but we made it work.

    KMcAwesome - Mmmmmm, pancakes.

    Dana - Please don't mention the nude pics you've seen of me ever again.

    Belette - That is a deep route indeed. At least your puppy doesn't look tasty to you.

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  10. You may totally hate me for saying this but I actually lost weight over the holidays.

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  11. um, my belly is starting to match my ass. thick and droopy.

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  12. I know how you feel, I was stupid enough to join Weight Watchers a month before Christmas and fooled myself into thinking I could get through it. Yeah, I don't think so!

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  13. This made me laugh. Until I cried. Because you could be writing about me. Now I'm depressed. I want a cookie.

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  14. Totally brought on a Susan Powter flashback, even though she says "insanity" but "madness" is close enough.

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