Wednesday, December 10, 2008

Salsaholics Anonymous

This is how my first meeting went:

SA Leader [a staunch lady with glasses who looks a lot like a frog]: Let's welcome our newest member.

Me: Hey, everybody. My name is Sassy. And I'm Salsaholic.

Everyone: Hello, Sassy.

SA Leader: Sassy, why don't you tell us why you're here.

Me: Well, um, it's a long story. But I guess I'll start from the beginning. I've always loved food. My mom was a great cook, so I ate well as a kid. Since birth, I had an affinity for the condiment. At first, it started out with Mayonnaise. We had a great relationship. I loved it on sandwiches, with fries, and frankly, with anything at all. And Mayo loved me, always sticking around (like, on my thighs). Mayo was a large man, but I loved him just the same. I never knew any better. But as I grew into my late teens, I outgrew Mayo's fatty creaminess, and realized that he didn't have my best interest at heart, as he was not helping me maintain my "girlish figure"(I think he secretly wanted me to be a fatty like him!). He was always so "indulgent", trying to get me to have more, more, more. So I left Mayo for Ketchup. It was a tough thing to do, and Mayo was pretty upset about this sudden turn of my cheek. But I had to do what was best for me and make it a clean break.

But boy, did Ketchup and I hit it off from the start. Ketchup was even more versatile than Mayo and gave me the space I craved by not sticking around all the time. Ketchup and I were together for a good 10 years before the rift started to form. All these "health freaks" started bitching and moaning about high-fructose corn syrup and how it is the reason for Americans being overweight, blah blah blah. Even Atkins didn't allow Ketchup during the Induction Phase! You know, I wanted to be healthy too! And Ketchup wasn't helping me be all that I could be.

I tried cutting back on Ketchup, thinking that we could continue our love affair if I had a bit more space. But 'lil K just wasn't having it. He got so upset. I really wanted to make it work, even with all the HFCS haters all over the news, but then Salsa came into my life.

They say timing is everything! Having come from a healthy upbringing, I immediately recognized Salsa's fresh look on life. He really knew how to have a good time--- with the onions and peppers and chunks of tomatoes--- heck, sometimes he'd even spice things up with some pineapple or mango. It was a passionate relationship from the start. I couldn't get enough! I was having him on eggs, beans, veggie burgers, salads... you name it! I just couldn't stop myself from heaping on mounds of fresh, low-calorie goodness! I knew it was getting to be too much, when I woke up in middle of the night clutching his little glass jar like it was life or death. I just couldn't live without Salsa, no matter how hard I tried to cut back! Even Salsa told me that he was starting to feel "smothered". That was a real blow.

So, here we are. Some of my friends and family say I should "mix things up" with Mustard or Compote, or even bring Mayo or Ketchup back into the rotation now and then. But I just can't do it. My mind says "try something new" but my body won't physically reach for that something-else. I'm literally going through a jar of Salsa a day. It's like he's calling to me--- haunting me even. I'm here to get help. And I AM a Salsaholic.


Dear Gardenburger,

What is up with you, Gardenburger? You seem to have changed the recipe for your Original Gardenburgers. You should call the new version "Mushroomburger Original". I don't mind a few little mushroom particles in my veggie burger, but I'd prefer not to each a giant fungus patty, which is what the hell this new and improved Original recipe seems to be all about. The old version had a nice, well-balanced mixture of oats, barley and assorted veggies. But now, it's more like a schmering of wilted, slimy mushroom strips all mushed together and frozen that way.

Please advise as to why 1) you changed the receipe, and 2) why the hell you haven't disclosed this change thus far.


Anti-fungus mutha


  1. You have brought up a very important and rarely discussed point, condiments are codependent. Mayo wanted you fat, catsup was conspiring against you and salsa created an unhealthy dependence. I advise against going down the mustard aisle, it is a dangerous place. Sure, it is only mustard, some say. But, you start with a few. Maybe some Dijon and then it is grainy Dion and then onto Chinese and the next thing you know you have 20 different kinds and there is always the temptation to try more. Say no to mustard, my friend.

  2. I am a true fan of pesto. It is a delightful on a frittata! Yumm.

    Love your blog. Thanks for the link love!

  3. La Belette Rouge, no wonder Paris and you are fighting: you're better at this shit than her... she's so proud of her culinary expertise...

  4. OOOOooh. Pesto. Yum. Similar to Mayo though - sticks to the buttocks. However, I do like me some pesto pasta. Man, I'm getting hungry.

  5. Call me a slut because I do ketchup and mayo at the same time, hehehe.

  6. you know, I'm eating salsa and chips right this minute. no kidding.

    now I want some mayo and fries.

  7. Oh my god! I LOVE LOVE the point where it disturbs people. I too have tried to give it up, and also adore salsa. Although I won't myself buy ketchup anymore, sometimes I steal packets from Whole Foods so I can eat in small doses....

  8. I love chips and salsa.
    With sour cream.
    And cheese.
    Condiment hell!

  9. Give it all up... you've just got to go cold turkey. Nothing on anything except a little olive oil.

    I'm a salsa fan myself. I have a salsa cookbook. Maybe you should stop buying it and make it yourself. That might slow you down. MIGHT. Homemade salsa is SOOOOO much better than the jar stuff. Could be dangerous.

  10. Pssst. Over here.... *eyes darting left and right* I've heard, now keep this on the down-low, but I've heard that the mustard mafia are starting to spike the old fashioned yellow with little bits of salsa. And ya know, dude, that one tiny gram of salsa, and you're hooked for LIFE!! That's how they're trying to get people to come back. Stick with the ketchup kiddo. Now, looka here *lifting jacket* FREEZE DRIED CATSUP! Nah. It ain't ketchup. It's CATSUP! All ya gotta do is light it up......there ya go. . . .

  11. I loathe condiments, BUT better to be addicted to Salsa, the say Peanut Butter ... I need to cut him cold turkey.

  12. I'm pretty sure salsa is a GOOD thing to be addicted to health wise. I say up it to two jars a day!

  13. What does this have to do with dancing?

  14. Ha! Too funny!

    I think Hubby and his whole family need Ketchup Anon. I once mentioed to his coffee loving sister that someone should invent caffinated ketchup... she thought it was a great idea...

  15. I love it. At least you're admitting your weakness and are seeking help. That's the first step. And who knows, you find a good balance in life where you and salsa can peacefully coexist. ;)

    Thanks for sharing your post on Best Posts of the Year!

  16. I feel so ashamed... I admit... I LOVE mayo on my fries. There I said it. Its off my chest. God I need some fries and mayo right now...