Salsaholics Anonymous

This is how my first meeting went:

SA Leader [a staunch lady with glasses who looks a lot like a frog]: Let's welcome our newest member.

Me: Hey, everybody. My name is Sassy. And I'm a...er.....er... Salsaholic.

Everyone: Hello, Sassy.

SA Leader: Sassy, why don't you tell us why you're here.

Me: Well, um, it's a long story. But I guess I'll start from the beginning. I've always loved food. My mom was a great cook, so I ate well as a kid. Since birth, I had an affinity for the condiment. At first, it started out with Mayonnaise. We had a great relationship. I loved it on sandwiches, with fries, and frankly, with anything at all. And Mayo loved me, always sticking around (like, on my thighs). Mayo was a large man, but I loved him just the same. I never knew any better. But as I grew into my late teens, I outgrew Mayo's fatty creaminess, and realized that he didn't have my best interest at heart, as he was not helping me maintain my "girlish figure"(I think he secretly wanted me to be a fatty like him!). He was always so "indulgent", trying to get me to have more, more, more. So I left Mayo for Ketchup. It was a tough thing to do, and Mayo was pretty upset about this sudden turn of my cheek. But I had to do what was best for me and make it a clean break.

But boy, did Ketchup and I hit it off from the start. Ketchup was even more versatile than Mayo and gave me the space I craved by not sticking around all the time. Ketchup and I were together for a good 10 years before the rift started to form. All these "health freaks" started bitching and moaning about high-fructose corn syrup and how it is the reason for Americans being overweight, blah blah blah. Even Atkins didn't allow Ketchup during the Induction Phase! You know, I wanted to be healthy too! And Ketchup wasn't helping me be all that I could be.

I tried cutting back on Ketchup, thinking that we could continue our love affair if I had a bit more space. But 'lil K just wasn't having it. He got so upset. I really wanted to make it work, even with all the HFCS haters all over the news, but then Salsa came into my life.

They say timing is everything! Having come from a healthy upbringing, I immediately recognized Salsa's fresh look on life. He really knew how to have a good time--- with the onions and peppers and chunks of tomatoes--- heck, sometimes he'd even spice things up with some pineapple or mango. It was a passionate relationship from the start. I couldn't get enough! I was having him on eggs, beans, veggie burgers, salads... you name it! I just couldn't stop myself from heaping on mounds of fresh, low-calorie goodness! I knew it was getting to be too much, when I woke up in middle of the night clutching his little glass jar like it was life or death. I just couldn't live without Salsa, no matter how hard I tried to cut back! Even Salsa told me that he was starting to feel "smothered". That was a real blow.

So, here we are. Some of my friends and family say I should "mix things up" with Mustard or Compote, or even bring Mayo or Ketchup back into the rotation now and then. But I just can't do it. My mind says "try something new" but my body won't physically reach for that something-else. I'm literally going through a jar of Salsa a day. It's like he's calling to me--- haunting me even. I'm here to get help. And I AM a Salsaholic.


THE DAILY SASS:

Dear Gardenburger,

What is up with you, Gardenburger? You seem to have changed the recipe for your Original Gardenburgers. You should call the new version "Mushroomburger Original". I don't mind a few little mushroom particles in my veggie burger, but I'd prefer not to each a giant fungus patty, which is what the hell this new and improved Original recipe seems to be all about. The old version had a nice, well-balanced mixture of oats, barley and assorted veggies. But now, it's more like a schmering of wilted, slimy mushroom strips all mushed together and frozen that way.

Please advise as to why 1) you changed the receipe, and 2) why the hell you haven't disclosed this change thus far.

Sincerely,

Anti-fungus mutha