Tuesday, December 9, 2008

UPDATED: Part Deux, why facebook is trying to destroy civilization

UPDATE: After reading Comedy Goddess' post about Glogg, I sent the recipe to Mr. T and suggested that we make it this holiday season (since we're both part-Svenska). This was his response:


Read Part I - Ads first. (But this one is funnier, so don't read that one if you don't want to.)

Part II--- Facebook groups, and why they are just plain wrong
At first I thought Facebook groups were just funny. I joined the Alumni groups, and the "remember when you had to blow on the Nintendo cartridge when it was messed up" group, and the political support groups. But now they are just out of control.

Mr. T recently came home and told me how his day was "SO awesome" because he found a new Facebook group called "Raisins, stay the fuck out of my cookies". Seriously?! I had to investigate. I was concerned for his mental well-being.

Here is the introduction and summary for the group. It's quite genius, if you ask me. Very convincing.

"Some time ago there was a place. A place called Hope. And in this place, there was a time. A time called Desire. And in this place at this time someone decided that pieces of chocolate were delicious and decided to put them inside of sugar dough. That was an awesome idea. But then you, the ass-licking, vindictive raisin, got jealous and lonely and decided to be inside of my cookies sometimes too. That was not awesome. In fact, it fucking sucked. You're a chewy, obnoxious, healthy interruption to my cookies.

Nature's candy? You know what-- fuck you. You're just the pathetic misshapen remnants of a grape, a mediocre fruit to begin with. You're in my cookie because you think you're so much better than chocolate chips, which happen to be awesome. You happen to suck.

In conclusion, fuck you. Fuck you and your motherfucking vitamins and your minerals. I don't respect your sexuality. Fuck you and your cocky-ass fucking wrinkles. You look like my scrotum. And while you may or may not be significantly larger than my scrotum, you taste much worse. My scrotum is delicious. Chocolate chips are delicious. You are a punk. But this isn't about my scrotum. This is about the blood of my forefathers, spilt on the land that you defile with your miniaturized goodiness. This is about liberty, justice, and other various things that are really awesome, like tiger sharks. And velociraptors. Goddamnit they kick ass. With their strong jaws and their many rows of razor teeth and sickle-shaped talons. I saw on the Discovery Channel that a flock of seven could tear apart Joe Lieberman in 18 seconds flat on a moderately humid day. That's so fucking cool. I wish I was like that sometimes--all powerful and strong. Sometimes when my roommate leaves I take all my clothes off and pretend I'm a velociraptor and pounce upon my roommate's desk as would a ferocious bloodthirsty velociraptor, knocking over his lamp with my semi-erect penis. And then I drink apple juice.

Fuck you, raisins. Stay out of my cookies."

So, get this. This "anti-Raisin" group has more than 34,000 members!!! I kid you not.

Mr. T and a few friends spent the day going back and forth about these raisins via facebook. They start out all somber, as if raisins truly are an issue to be taken seriously, and then it builds into crazy adolescence.

Friend A: I fully support this group. Fuck raisins.

Mr. T: I'm cool with raisins, I just don't want them screwing up my cookies.

Friend A: This is my new favorite group. Stupid raisins.

Mr. T: They really know how to ruin a good cookie.

Friend B: What?? Oatmeal Raisin cookies are the best. Try one from Whole Foods and tell me I'm wrong.

Mr. T: Hell nah. There are two things wrong with that picture- 1. Oatmeal. 2. Raisins. Breakfast and a wrinkly ass poor excuse for a fruit do not make a tasty dessert treat. Like those jerks who make carrot cake. WTF is up with that. Vegetables do not equal dessert.

Friend B: Feeble feeble mind. Do yourself a favor and go straight Whole Foods right now, and buy an oatmeal raisin cookie. You'll thank me.

Mr. T: Never. Raisins, Stay the Fuck Out of My Cookies!

Friend B: Oh, and carrot cupcakes with cream cheese frosting will make you explode in your pants if they're done right.

Mr. T: From my ass maybe.

And here are some related groups that appear on the Raisins page:

PS - I belong to two of the above related groups. Guess which two?

W.T.F. I noticed Grandpa's What Kind of Muffin Are You? Quiz, so I took it. Apparently, I am a lemon poppyseed muffin! Now, I'm not denying the glowing description the test results gave me (see bottom of my blog for results), but seriously.... isn't lemon poppyseed the kind that no one eats unless it's the last kind left? That and bran? Dude, I got the shaft.


  1. I am totally joinin the anti-raisin group! That is awesome!
    And I'm a blueberry muffin, and I hate blueberries, wtf?

  2. There is also one that goes something like, "People against the use of acronyms by Rachel Ray".

    Something like that.

    It's because she says EVOO all the time.

  3. WTF! I got Lemon Poppy Seed too.

    I think it is broken.

  4. WHAT THE F? I don't get facebook. People need to stop throwing virtual snowballs at me or I'm throwing virtual shit at them!

  5. Why can't you accept all those damn green plants all at once?? I get like 5000 a day. I just hit ignore all, does that make me a bad person? Oh and Sassy, I didn't check, but I'm voting for the slow walkers and the ugly crocs groups? Seems about right... :)

  6. I will join the group that wants to punch people in the back of the head for walking too slow, if only to perhaps negotiate with them a swift kick in the pants as a perfectly good alternative, being as how a punch in the back of the head seems a tad violent. I am, however, a sympathizer to their cause.

    I think you are in that group, and I love you for that. I also think you're in the Chain Letter group, but it could also be the Crocs group...

  7. Matilda/Braja - you are right. I am a member of the "I don't care how comfortable crocs are, you look like a dumbass" and "I secretly want to punch slow walking people in the back of the head". Now, I understand crocs are good for a) kids, b) chefs or c) people who can't bend down to tie their shoes, but personally I think they're ugly. But hey, more power to ya if you like 'em! And the slow walking people drive me nuts. I don't so much mind ONE slow waling person as I do a group of slow walkers that decide to walk in a line and take up the whole sidewalk. Then I want to punch them all in the back of the head.