Friday, December 19, 2008

I thought I ate my mouth guard

Yesterday morning's events:

So I wear this stupid mouth guard at night (most nights) because I clench my jaw when I'm sleeping and it gives me headaches. This *giant* piece of hard plastic is supposed to prevent that, though sometimes I doubt its $600 of effectiveness. Last I went to bed and I was most certainly wearing it when I fell asleep. But when I woke up this morning to go to my PT session I wasn't wearing it anymore. While I was walking to the gym I started to wonder what the hell I did with it? I must have done something while I was asleep. I don't sleepwalk (that I know of), or do much of anything at night other than toss from side to side to get to the cold side of the pillow. I slowly started freaking out. What if I swallowed my mouth guard? What if there is a giant piece of hard plastic trying to shoot down my intestines right this moment? Would they have to do surgery and cut it out? Would I lose a portion of my colon? If so, would I have to carry around one of those colostomy bags with me everywhere I went? That would certainly be a turn off. I was in shambles. Fortunately, by the time I got the gym I had caffeine in hand, which calmed me down, and I had worse things to worry about... my trainer, Tough Cookie (T.C.).

* * *

I have now had four sessions with T.C. She's a nice girl and sometimes I encourage her to be meaner to me. (I've said it before...I'm a bit of a masochist). But no matter what, my sessions are hard. But to be honest, I'm a bit of a complainer. Poor, poor T.C. If my abs don't hurt, than my leg does, and if my leg doesn't, my triceps do. I don't MEAN to complain. It's like I'm thinking out loud is all.

And then yesterday I was especially exhausted. I had a work event that went late the night before and then had to get up at 6:15 to go to the gym to meet her. On one particular exercise (the cruel and unusual "mountain climber"), I stopped it just before she got to the "1" in her countdown, so she called me out for my slacking but "let it slide this one time". So then she wanted me to do this crazy lunge thing, but she was telling me a funny story about something-or-other, so I asked her if she wanted me to count for her. The move involved a lot of counting (like 1-2-3-4-UP!-1-2-3-4-UP! and so on) and I wanted to hear her story. She promptly replied, "No, I don't trust you." Woo! Gotta love her.

Here is my depiction of the "crazy lunge". I'm not sure how many she made me do because I wasn't allowed to count. All I know is that we did one leg at a time so there was no alternating legs in between sets. We did 2 sets on each side (in case you'd like to try this at home!).

(And no, I don't have a receding hairline like this stick-woman. And yes, I did make faces like this.)

* * *

On my way home from the gym I started to think about the missing mouth guard again, partially to distract myself from the pain that had just been inflicted on me. I realized that the likelihood of my having eaten it was pretty slim as it's pretty hard plastic and wouldn't my throat hurt from swallowing it? So I started wondering if I sleepwalk and don't know it? Or if I somehow took it off in a fit or rage during the night while dreaming? It was a mystery. When I got home the first thing I did was search for this missing oral device. It wasn't in the bed. It wasn't on the floor. It wasn't in the bathroom or the sink. Having been unsuccessful with the obvious locations, I started uplifting things like pillows and lamps and books. And voila! It was underneath my copy of the Poisinwood Bible. W!T!F! Seriously?

I realize this story is somewhat anticlimactic, but to me, it's both strange and mysterious. I cannot remember a time EVER in my life where I've done anything during the night without remembering it (while I was sober). That last statement is like adding " bed" to fortune cookie fortunes. When ever I say that I've never done something, I always add "... while sober".

Once I discovered the lost mouth guard, I went to find Mr. T and tell him about the escapade. I found him looking in the mirror (shirtless) and before I could get a word in edgewise he said, "Don't my guns look HUUUUGE?! I don't even know how my arms FIT in this room they're so huge!"

Yup, he's been working out pre-wedding as well. And is apparently very proud of himself.


  1. just thinking about working out makes my HUGE GUNS hurt.

    I'm so envious of you. I am so lazy. So Sad.

    How do you eat a mouth guard? Aren't those things made of metal and fit around your whole head?

  2. I have a mouth guard too. I also have taken it out in the middle of the night and don't remember doing. However, it's usually on the night stand or on the floor.
    Under a book? That is a new one............

  3. I am hoping the same best effort from you in the future as well. In fact your creative writing skills has inspired me. how to mold a mouthguard