Monday, December 8, 2008

Dustin Hoffman, the path to salvation???

Living in New York City, I see a lot of crazy people. Especially on the subway. (Please take note that this is one of the many reasons that I despise the subway. This, and the fact that it's grosser and dirtier than a Thailand whore house.) Some take up entire seats on the subway and stink worse than a rotting corpse, driving people to bunch up on the other end of the car. Some stuff newspapers in their ears and rage about Jesus, toupees and Michael Jordan. And some just ramble quietly to themselves. I nearly fell out of my seat last week when a guy with Tourette's shouted "FUCK!!!" very unexpectedly and loudly. Although, I don't think he was crazy, just afflicted.

Mostly there are a lot of beggars who may or may not be crazy. When I say a lot, I mean I see an average of maybe two a week just on the subway. Usually, they get on, wait for the doors to close, and then in a raspy voice shout, "Ladies and gentleman, I'm sorry to disturb you, but I really need your help today....blah blah blah" They usually go on to explain how they got homeless, how they got AIDS, or some other sad story that you can't help but wonder if it's true. I don't usually give these people money, as I tend to give dollars to i) the homeless people that hold the door open at the bank for me, ii) those great Mexican trios that ride the subway singing Three Banditos or something, and iii) strippers. At least these people attempt to do something to earn the money they are asking for. And I really do enjoy the jaunty little tunes those banditos belt out. They're quite catchy.

But recently, a guy was so convincingly insane that I had to wonder if he was putting on a show. That, and he looked like Dustin Hoffman with a Jesus-mullet. He was speaking into what looked like a child's microphone toy, and was holding an open Trapper Keeper folder that was covered in sparkly stickers in front of his face. This folks, could not be made up. It's just too good. This is the closest I can come, with my subpar photoshop skills, to what he looked like.

Yeah, I know I know. He looks more like a Rastafarian than Jesus with a mullet. But this is the best I can do people!!!

This is a sampling of what he raved about, into his kid's microphone, for nearly 35 blocks:

"I am the almighty Profit. Sent down to earth by Jesus himself, to reign over you and lead you. I am the only Profit. It is I, and only I, who can bring you to true salvation. Do NOT look into my eyes, the Profit's eyes. It is forbidden! [Hence, why he was shielding his face with a TrapperKeeper]. Let the Profit bring you to true salvation. Let ME show you what true salvation feels like! All are welcome to join my congregation. If you join the congregation, you may then, and ONLY then, look into the Profit's eyes. When you look into my eyes, you will find true peace, TRUE PEACE, as if you were looking into a clear, tranquil pool of love. You can come with me, right now, and join my congregation, and learn from me, learn from JESUS!!! If, if, IF! you meet two criteria. First! You must be female. Only females can join my congregation. They are the angels. The angels that surround the Profit and give him the power to heal. The power to TRANSFORM! These beautiful angels will have direct access to Jesus, through the Profit. Let him SAVE you! Second! You must be no older than the age of 23! Not a day older. Not an hour older. Not a SECOND older!!! Come join me now, if you are a woman less than 23 years in age. Join my congregation of angels. Then, you can look into my eyes. And see the lord Jesus HIMSELF!!! AND BE TRULY FREE!!! ..."

"That's the best pick-up line I've ever heard." --- random guy standing next to me on the subway, talking about the Dustin Hoffman Jesus-Profit


  1. That is just too awesome for words. It sounds like a scene straight out of a movie. Funny to hear about, maybe a bit un-nerving to experience?

  2. Thanks Sarah Von! Yeah, it was less scary when it was happening, and more funny. I was trying not to laugh. And then I started thinking about the fact that there were at least 12 people between me and him, so if he did decide to single me out and come after me, he'd at least have to push his way through a packed subway car. But then I started trying to look into his eyes to see what he would do. I got a few glimpses but he didn't return the eye contact. Shame.

  3. Sounds like this guy looks up to David Koresh.

    Also, I once saw a guy on the subway giving out business cards for hugs. His motto was something like, "More huggin', less muggin'." I thought it was great.

  4. Man, this is why I wish we had public transit in the midwest!

  5. My favorite are the bums who have shit themselves and then want to sit next to every person on the train.

  6. LOL Thank you so much for this mental image. I'm sure it was highly annoying, but on this side, hysterical!

  7. Mr. T thinks I'm being too hard on the poor homeless people who stink up the subway. I'm sure they're very nice people, I just don't want to sit next to them for 20 minutes in an airless, tightly packed train car.

    Gypsy: greatest motto ever! I hear free hugs are pretty popular at Greatful Dead concerts--- hippies running around going "free hugs, man..."