F.M.L.

Is it just me or is anyone else tired of the gladiator sandal?

I can't walk into a shoe store, mainstream or boutique, without being accosted by gladiator sandals. I see them and all I think about is Russell Crowe.

They are a fad that has lasted way too long. I'm sure many of you reading this own a pair and may be offended by my attack on a harmless shoe style. But let me ask you... don't you think they might just be a little ugly? Doesn't it bother you that everyone and their mother and gay brother is wearing them?

Let's review the various options, shall we?


1. Ugly. I can picture this on a homeless hippie who lost his job because he got arrested for smoking maryjane on the town common.

2. Not so bad. I barely consider this a gladiator shoe.

3. Ugly. Reminds me a parachute harness.

4. Meh

5. I just threw up. This wouldn't even look good on Giselle.

6. I just threw up again

7. Orange, really?

8. Doesn't everyone know that ankle straps like this give everyone a cankle?

9. Turquoise isn't so bad, but again with the cankle-making.

10. If I was held at gunpoint and was forced to wear a gladiator sandal, I'd pick this one.

I mean, look at this. I did a search for "gladiator" and the second most popular search is "gladiator sandals" followed by "gladiator shoes."


That's a sign right there that we need something new to obsess over. I'm open to some ideas... anyone have a good idea for a new trend to overkill???...

It sucks to be skinny AND have cankles

In the midst of my panic attack about passing out with a apparent bottle of urine in my bag last night, I noticed a girl on the subway who was thin and svelt but had major cankles. And I thought to myself, "that poor, poor girl - to be blessed with the thin gene AND the fat ankle gene must suck." Big time.

You may be thinking, well isn't be thin with cankles better than being fat with cankles. Well, I disagree. At least if you're overweight, there's still somewhat of a curve to your calf/ankle area, versus your entire lower leg being one long stump.

Either way, I suppose cankles suck big time.

Do you think people get lipo on cankles? Just some food for thought on this wonderful, 99 degree Friday...

If your'e chewing, you're cheating!

Today I started a 48-hour detox cleanse, along with 3 of my co-workers. It's basically Master Cleanse with a fancier name - a drink containing lemon juice with cayenne and maple syrup. I'm not sure why this concoction continues to be favored among the detoxification crowd but my theory is that the combination of sour, spicy and sweet and tricks your mouth into thinking it's actually ingesting something. But if you ask me, it's not working.

I'm a little pissed off at them calling it a "48-hour detox". In reality, the last meal I had was around 8pm Tuesday night, and I'm technically not allowed to eat again until Friday morning, so wouldn't that make it a "60-hour detox"? Why must they undermine me? If it were truly a 48-hour detox I could eat a dinner tonight at 8pm. Douches!

Last night, around the 21 hour mark I was completely looped out - everything was funny. I had more energy than I knew what to do with and all I could do was laugh my ass off at absolutely nothing.

I've literally hit the 36 hour mark since I last ate and delirium is setting in. I never thought I'd find myself so excited to drink my breakfast - because it's better than nothing.

Last night, when I left the office I brought a water bottle with some of the lemonade drink it in and put it in my purse. My biggest fear was passing out on the subway ride home and having some stranger find what appeared to be a bottle of urine in my bag...

This morning on the subway some dumb bitch was stuffing a croissant into her mouth about 12 inches away from my face. I tried to "accidentally" knock her coffee into her lap to no avail...

So here I sit, S-I-P-P-I-N-G my lemonade-y drink and repeatedly telling myself, "mind over matter, mind over matter"...

Today is my day. So shut it.

In my office, each time it's someone's birthday, we photoshop a picture to include the face of our colleague, let's call him Wolf. Wolf is continually transformed into beautiful woman, famous celebrities, ladies with a bit more "girth", and famous athletes. If only each of us could be so lucky...

Here are a few examples:



And here is my very own bad birthday photoshop:

It's Jersey Shore meets the Backstreet Boys!


God, I love my job.

For what it's worth

I would say my crush on Dexter is more comparable to my imaginable love affair with Anthony Bourdain than my brief crush on Bradley Cooper (which wazs ruined when he left Jennifer Aniston for Rene Zellweger - who does that? Ew.)

But then I saw this pic and I reconsidered and think I might have been a bit tough on him...

Morale of the story: don't exercise drunk and don't let the "stomach fat of life" get you down

Feel free to make this your desktop background. It's mine until Summer starts.

There's nothing worse then getting back into a gym routine. You show up at the gym the first few times and feel pasty, saggy and ill equip to be mounting giant machines for long periods of time. Slowly, you'll gain confidence. But for now, it's all about hating every person with a nice set of abs and trying to secretly squeeze Crisco into their protein shake to make yourself feel better.

You start out by doing the easy stuff - like the elliptical/level 1 or the bike that is basically a video game to distract you from the fact that you're actually working out. You may try to run on the treadmill but find the exertion to interfere with your watching of Millionaire Matchmaker, which always seems to be on the gym televisions. (I heart you, Patty). So you either walk, or make your way over to the stair machine*footnote 1, which I also refer to as "my version of Hell", thinking it's better than running and risking a major treadmill fall. Fortunately, I'm not drunk when I go to the gym like that guy.

****side rant****
First of all, all you woman who put makeup on at the gym BEFORE you work out can bite me. I hate you all. Second, I'm trying out this potential new gym, and when did they start staffing live DJ's? If I wanted to go to a dance club I'd be shaking my booty at the nearest gay bar. Third, I've discovered that group exercise classes with my co-workers are ideal because my competitive spirit makes me want to crush every single one of them like a little ant.
***side rant ended***

This week, I was highly distressed when taking a class called Fluidity (which I happen to be in the infomercial for, no joke, when I was a few years younger, more agile and pretty buff, if I say so myself). I was doing a stretch where you sit on the floor, stretch one leg out and pull the other one in, while you lift your arms over your outstretched leg and lean over, getting a nice stretch in your lower back and hamstring. While I did this, I realized that I wanted to stretch even further down and out, but I couldn't! My stomach rolls were in the way. They were *physically* prohibiting me from going any further even though my muscles wanted me to!! How devastating a revelation is that?!

Regardless, my foray back into the fitness world has been a bit of a culture shock.

Here's a quiz for you (the answer is provided at the end of this post):

Due to the past few months of rigorous activity that I refer to as "watching Dexter on the couch for 5 hours straight" what of the following has occurred:

a) less focus at work
b) fewer come-ons from random strangers with wandering eyes
c) more nacho consumption (extra sour cream, please!)
d) flabbiness
e) I'm a bitch and it's a trick question
f) All of the above


footnote 1 I don't mean a Stairmaster - the pedals that just go up and down - I'm talking about the machine that is actually a set of 4 or 5 steps that rotate. Do you know how many people I've seen fall off this machine? Too many. (well, there's no such thing as *too many* because I live to see people fall, but you catch my drift). Whomever built this torturous piece of machinery should be crushed with it, slowly and painfully.

On a side note, on a scale of 1 to 10, how sad is it that the season premier of Gossip Girl is the highlight of my week?



answer to pop quiz: (f) It's shameful, really.